After having sex with the 8th girl of his life at the time, my ex of many moons ago decided to get an STD check. Not for any physical reasons, mostly for the emotional reassurance. Anyways he came around as he got on well with a neighbour of mine, we had a coffee and he talked of his predicament, Anyways, he called my neighbor across the street who is 3 years older than him (basically his big brother) and he told him to make an appointment to get checked and I asked him what it entailed as i went over with him - ohhh yes - i was nosy way back then !. He said it wasn't too bad; they did a sperm sample, swabbed his dick, checked his blood etc etc.
So the ex felt pretty prepared going in there a few days later. On our way to the clinic, I was there for moral support, he was feeling pretty nervous to ejaculate in a cup but I reassured him that it was going to be fine.
When we finally got there, an older lady ( at least 80 - grey heair and lots of wrinkles ) called his name and handed him a clear cup and escorted him to the restroom and said, "Please go in here." I was picturing more of a comfortable room where he could do his private thing of choking the chicken.
but well - he thought fuck it, the clinic bathroom will suffice.
He told me he remembered looking around for some pornographic material because my neighbor said that they provide you with some, but there was nothing. I remember thinking what the fuck this is taking AGES - this place just expected the guys to use their imagination?
He said he was Disappointed, I said oh well, not like you haven't used just your imagination before, I slapped his arm and walked out.
He then went on to tell me - in details …yes... masturbating over the sink…anyways he remembered, amazingly rubbing one out pretty fucking fast…almost too fast….so he thought that he'd wait in there an additional 10 minutes because he didn't want her behind the desk - or me for that matter, to think that he was some type of freak. After waiting in there for what felt like an eternity to him, he finally handed his semen filled cup back to the old lady nurse ( and very crabby - pardon the pun ) who acted impatient and upset that he had taken so long. We both began following her down the hallway.
The woman set the cup on this desk table thingy, looked at it, and then picked it up again and she jiggled the cup a little bit, sort of staring - a very quizzical look on her face….
She stopped…
I could see the ex actually holding his breath as I looked at her face and then to his - wondering what the hell was going on, I saw it turn from confusion to sheer and complete horror. She turned to my ex and goes, fairly loudly and ohhh she was not happy -
"Ummmm sir, WE ONLY NEEDED YOUR URINE!"
I will never forget the feeling that I had at that very moment. I FELL ABOUT - IN UTTER TRUE COMPANION STYLE - SO SUPPORTIVE - I SERIOUSLY NEARLY DIED LAUGHING =
The ex's face got red, and he started ummming and arrrrrr'ing -
I felt immediately hot, my legs felt weak. I couldnt stop laughing like a 9 year old !
The ex - i could tell just wanted to get the fuck out of there. There have been so many embarrassing moments in my life but luckily I can think pretty quickly on my feet and I can dig my way out of most uncomfortable situations. As for this moment…there was no way i was saying a word - SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP - ( We were friends still - but EX'S FOR A REASON ! ) There was not a fucking shovel in sight for him to dig himself out of. Nothing to say, nothing to do, he just stood there, utterly terrified. He had just jizzed in a fucking urine sample cup and now this poor elderly woman who was probably months away from retirement was now horrified and confused as she was gripping a hot cup of his potential babies.
I'm guessing the clinic never trained her for situations like this.
Even if she had made a joke to lighten the mood it would've been better- it would have killed the tension in the room. Instead she remained stoic - I felt awkward and he was scared; I felt like a monster not helping - but i feel he felt ALOT WORSE.
After he grabbed a sample tube and going back to pee, a few tests later we got the F*** out of there. After much reflection though, we both now think that she deserved it. Because honestly, yes we both did ASSUME that she wanted a sperm sample, but the woman never specified what she wanted.
Therefore she assumed that the ex knew too and when both people are assuming chances are that one of them is going to get a cup full of the other one's jizz.
It's just the way it is.
God I still cringe just thinking about that day.
Sometimes when I'm looking at myself in the mirror, I randomly think of that old woman's face as she realized that she's holding a cup filled with my ex guy's hot semen soldiers and I just bust out laughing and shake my head.
Good times. Never to be forgotton ...
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