Finding this person will take time
Cupids arrow can strike anytime
Lonely people know 'The One' is out there somewhere - usually they will not be MILES AND MILES away - but nearby and more often than not - very drunk !!
Men and women's brains are different = even as kids
Men and women pretend not to mind the little differences -
If they do mind - they become Homosexuals !!
I have been very busy in my life and last week woke up to find myself alone, married yet seperated, owning lots of animals - yes inc cats and sleeping on a mattress on the floor, with the TV on - i had fallen asleep while watching Bake off - Ohh Paul and his Soggy Bottom ! - Ohhh Paul !! I want a man like Paul !!
But time is running out for me
I have decided that i have got to lower my expectations and now - my dream man would preferably be David Tennant - or Hugh Jackman - or have wings - but - he no longer needs a crown or to be made from gold !
Usually it takes me all day to get ready - and yet i know - it takes my date 30 seconds and as long as he has his shirt buttons done up correctly and has combed his fringe, i should do well !
I met my last online friend for a series of dates and where as on the computer Gavin was lovely but - all i could think of was how i could describe the date in less than 140 characters when i went to the loo !
Wow the bar we met in was really hot and Gavin was not used to drinking red wine - his shirt was off and he was challenging the waiter to a sword fight even before the Bruchetta had arrived..
When I told Gavin i had to go - he said - " but please dont go - I have not surprised you with a cup of tea and a bruce forsyth impersonator yet, and this is the best date i have had all year"
People who know me - KNOWS MY THOUGHT ON THAT - "My plate is empty i protested"
"Finish the salt - then we can go " said Gav
So we finished the Salt !
In Real Life - I hated Gavin !!
Gavin thinks he should have taken me to Wetherspoons instead ! - He thought wrong !
We went into a grocery store to buy a jar of Lemon Curd on the way to mine - I just wanted coffee - But Gavin found the salt too salty that we had consumed earlier and he wanted something sugary - So Gavin wanted to purchase some Toast and Curd to eat at mine - while he looked through his favorite collection of 1999 calendars that he had bought to show me - yes - you heard me right -
I may have to put my head in the toaster -
I gave the jar to the man behind the counter - he smiles - Gavin looks at him - " I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKING LEGS, LOOK AT HER LIKE THAT AGAIN " -
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Gavin !!! - I was starting to quite like Gavin !
I text Gavin the next day to say that i thought he was a little OTT with the grocer ( Who had looked at me again - and Gavin - after he had moved the Lemon Curd ) had taken the guys teeth out and beaten him to a pulp - I told him, maybe he was putting me under too much pressure because he is " Calling me everyday "
Well - Gavin thought this was a lucky escape " Every day " - is two words ....
Just to make sure things were as they should be - and not left terribly impersonnal - I went to the Post office with a letter to Gavin - I went to the lady behind the counter, who checked the letter was sealed - I knew that if any of the Faeces had leaked out - then they were not obliged to carry it .. I sent my package recorded - then i know i am single again ..
Tomorrow i am going to fake my own death and join the Cirque du Soleil ..
Be AWARE who you meet online ...
